YOU! SHALL NOT! PASS!

New Zealand is a great country and all. Stunning beaches, beautiful geography and hardly any animals that eat people. They also play football without helmets and the players occasionally step on each others heads (when not attempting to gouge an opponent's eyes).

Fortunately, beer in New Zealand is distributed free to all citizens as part the country's experiment in socialized medicine. Beer makes you forget that your head has been stepped on and you're missing an eye. Oh - and they worship the Queen of England. Every Christmas, the Queen does a speech. The first time I saw it I thought it was a Python sketch but became confused as there was no live audience laugh track.

So overall - great place. Before you die, you should definitely visit. Don't even get a hotel. Just show up with your family at a stranger's house and ask them to stay for a few days. Odds are they'll let you. Really. They're that nice.

But do beware of one particular sandwich topping. It's a spread as black as night with the consistency of peanut butter. And it smells worse than a Balrog's ass. Now mix in a handful of salt. So it's a food as well as a preservative. Which is why people live to be hundreds of years old in New Zealand: Vegemite.

But most unfortunately, you can't watch South Park in New Zealand. So I've refused to allow my children to grow up there. The maternal government is afraid (and rightly so) that watching South Park will warp a child's "fragile little mind".

This from a country that gave birth to an abomination of a TV show called "Shortland Street".

Isn't that right, Dr. Ropata?